A weekly series in which food only meant for hipsters and annoying elitists gets put in its place.
Ah yes, Kale Salad. Better known as “grass” by most people, this yuppie trend has been all the rage for the past four or five years. This food is perfect if you obnoxiously share Harry Potter themed Buzzfeed articles, or wear jeans that look like stage tights.
If you’re the type of person who was never sure what the big deal: congratulations! You have common sense. You also don’t nag your friends on social media about how they all have to start eating the crap, even though they were probably raised on good ol’ USDA beef on their parent’s dime.
The quick and easy of it: it’s cabbage with less flavor. That’s it. Hype over. It’s suitable to your calorie needs if the only physical work in life is opening your laptop and lifting a coffee cup that looks like a cheesecake.
However, Kale Salad isn’t getting off that easy.
So here’s why Kale actually sucks:
1. You’ll have to get it at a Whole Foods for an absurd amount of money, might as well pluck grass from the nearest yard/park
2. Doesn’t pair well with a brew, or really any beverage
3. It’s not even suitable as the lettuce on your burger. It’s lesser than a burger garnish
4. Relating back to number two, you’re not going to find it while catching the game at your local game day spot
5. Going to the jobsite? Prepare for lunchtime to turn into an hour long roast of you and everything in your entire life
6. Eating Kale is douchebaggery expected from a smug, white collar prick
7. And most importantly, you need real food to sustain yourself, unlike this guy….
The Man Up Answer: Game Day recipes for the boys.